Sunday, November 30, 2014

Giving Up

It's been awhile since I've "blogged".  (still struggling with that term by the way)  But, if you follow me at all you know that I write when inspired to do so.  Tonight...I'm inspired.  So...the subject matter is about giving up.

So, OK here's the deal.  As you know...well, if anyone really reads my blog, I am a wife and Mom of three kids.  My kids are growing up, growing up far faster than I'd like really but unfortunately I can't stop it.  I find lately that my husband (G) and I are floating into uncharted territory.  We have absolutely NO idea what we are doing.  I remember back in the days when our first was entering Kindergarten and the tears that followed dropping her off that first day.  I am a control freak so sending my child, my sweet baby girl, off in to this harsh cruel world...to kindergarten was a major event.  She screamed as I left.  I still remember walking down the hall back towards the front door and hearing her screaming the whole way.  It tore. my. heart. out.  The jury is still out on who exactly shed more tears on that day, her or me.  That first day was brutal.  I question now looking back what my boss was thinking.  Did he really think I was worth it?  I think not, if you base it on that first day of work because I was literally good for nothing.

I was fortunate, more than most, in that "A's" first day of kindergarten was at a work funded school...attached to our office...where I could look out my office window at her playing on the playground.  But, traumatic none the less.  For me of course.  For her?  Yes.  She had prior to this day been only cared for by us, her grandparents, and occasionally Aunts and Uncles.  But, never ever ever was she left with anyone outside our family.  But now I could only hope we were leaving her with a teacher that would care for her, protect her as we would.  Yeah right?  As I walked down that hall away from her listening to her cries, my womb hurt.  And, as I said I am a Mom of three, she being the oldest, so I've been through this scene THREE times.  All of them painful.

But now fast forward.  Now A is 12 and in middle school, N is in 5th, and my baby B is in 3rd.  Now, we find ourselves tackling a whole new set of worries.  We are no longer in charge of who their play dates are with or who their friends are.  I am here to tell you there are some that we wish, pray, and beg will leave their lives.

I am not a blind parent.  I am not one who thinks my children are "perfect" and everyone else's kids are evil.  In fact, I know full well my kids are faaaar from perfect.  They don't always do the right thing.  They make really bad choices sometimes.  They have to be "raised".  They have to be reminded.  They have to be reprimanded.  They embarrass the crap out of me sometimes and other times they make me feel taller than the 5 foot 11 inches that I am because they actually did the right thing.  They make me crazy, they make me laugh, they make me loose my cool, they make me frustrated, they make me smile, they make me gain at least one gray hair a day, and they make me love them more with each and every single day of their existence.  I tell them often how much I love them.  I am their Mommy.  Nobody, I mean nobody, in this world will ever love them as much as I do.  Spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends, none of them will ever even come close to loving them as much as I do.  My womb still hurts when they do.

So, letting go...giving up.  That was the title of this post.  I would never give up on them.  Never, ever.  It doesn't matter what they do or how many mistakes they make.  It doesn't matter how much they don't like me or don't appreciate me.  They will always be the most amazing people I've ever met.  They will always be the smartest, because they have the potential to be so.  They will always be the nicest, because they have the potential to be so.  And when they don't like me....it's likely because I'm "cramping their style", "killing their mo-jo", have too many rules, or see the road block ahead of them that they don't because I've been there.

BUT, no matter what they do, where they go, who their friends are, or what they become I will never, ever, ever, ever give up on them.  I will never be afraid to say I'm sorry if I've made a mistake, I will never stop trying, stop mothering, stop caring.  I will never not care.  I will never get turned away too much.  I will never not love them when they needed to spread their wings and fly.  I will never be offended so much so that I stop caring.  I will never not be the person they can always count on to answer the phone when they call.  I will never think it's too late, too early, or too much.  I will always cry with them and for them.  I will always be their biggest cheerleader.  I will always be the person they don't want to disappoint but will call me when they do because they will know I will cast no judgement but will guide them through.  And for the record, my womb will always hurt when they do.  And...I will never, ever, ever, ever give up on them. Not once, not ever.

I don't understand giving up on your children, even if they've given up on you.  I love them...with every fiber of my being.  Sometimes it might be "tough love" but the key word in that is LOVE.  I hope they know that about their Mom, I hope they always know how much I love them, I hope they always know I will never give up on them  And, I hope they never have to feel this.