Saturday, October 10, 2015

Dear Bear

I miss you!  Well, that's pretty obvious.  I can't begin to tell you how much.  Who would have known all those years ago when you came into our life that you would stake such a claim!

I miss you for all the obvious reasons.  I miss your fur.  I miss your welcoming when I came in the door.  I miss the way you waited for me when I left the house.  I miss the way you would lick me to death each time I came home, even though sometimes I'd only been gone a few minutes.  I miss so many many things about you.

My Mom told me that my gift was to write.  She told me that the best way to show the world what you meant was to put it into words.  She told me, "Sandy, you need to write it down."  She knows how much I love you and how much I miss you.  She knows how much I am struggling and she just wants to help.  She's right...but she's also wrong.

Writing is my therapy.  It's always been.  But, where she is wrong is that I can't seem to put into words how I feel or what you meant.  There aren't enough words in the English language to describe it.  You defy logic and language.  There are no words to what you meant.

If you were here, if you could understand everything I want to say, if you were here I would say this...

I'm sorry!  I'm sorry I put you down.  I will never ever get out of my head the look on your face as the life left you. Did I do the right thing?  Did I make the right decision?  Did I do right by you?  I question that every single day!  You gave NOTHING but love.  Nothing but care.  Nothing but comfort.  Did I do that for you?  Or were you willing and ready to do more?  Did I give up on you or did I do right by you?

There are some out there who think this is the silliest thing ever to worry so much over a "pet".  You were so much more.

You came to us when we didn't really want a dog.  We didn't have the right house or home for you.  We didn't have the right yard for what you needed.  We were so not the right family for you at the time.  But at the same time were were exactly what you needed.  You were exactly what we needed.  There were times when you were a pup that I thought we'd surely bit off more than what we could chew.  You had so much more energy and craziness than what we were prepared for.

Shannon wanted to take you back.  She thought we weren't the right fit for you.  She thought someone else would be better.  Maybe she was the time.  But I knew, I don't know how, but I knew you were meant for us.  You were difficult and challenging.  You were not easy as a pup.  You had those Husky attributes that made you want to run like the wind.  We confined you.  But we loved you.

You took everything we were and did in stride.  You acclimated to our life, our home, our family.  I remember so many times you running out the front door, even up until we put you down, and running like you had just been set free.  But I also saw you take care of my babies.  Were you happy?

People would come to our home and feel scared upon meeting you.  You were large and in charge.  Everyone knew it, maybe that's why they were scared.  But you couldn't hurt a flea.  You greeted everyone who came over by jumping up and licking their faces.  Truly, that's how people were welcomed into our home.  You were our welcoming committee of one.  You also knew who to welcome.

You took care of your family, protected us, stood up for us...when you needed to.  You just knew when that needed to happen.  How did you know?  Why did you?

More than all of the "standard" things you were so much more.  You were my best friend.  I have friends, even best friends.  I have a husband, your alpha, that I know loves me. I have friends, best friends, who I depend on day in and day out.  But I don't have a you.

You gave me something nobody else could.  You were there in the darkest of days and the sunniest of nights.  You and only you were there when I needed a someone to not say a thing but just snuggle.  I leaned on you more than anyone.  It didn't matter what I did, what I said, who I was at the moment, you loved me.  You still were so excited when I came home.

Last year I went through my darkest of days, each one of those I came home to your excited face, wagging tail, and licking face to tell me all was going to be ok.  Who knew a dog could be so many things to so many people.

I sit here talking about all that you did for me but that doesn't even compare to what you did for my family, my babies.  They were always safe.  They were always loved.  They were always ok because they always had you.

Why did you have to leave?  Why did I have to make that decision?  Why are you gone?

Bear, I miss you so much!  I want you back.  I want you home.  I want you with us.

All I know for sure is that we tried to give you the best life we could.  We loved you unconditionally as you did to us.  I am angry.  I'm angry that you are gone.  I'm angry that you got cancer.  No, I'm pissed off.  You were not suppose to leave.  We had a deal!!!

I miss you.  So, so, so much!  I hope you left this world feeling like you had a good life.  I hope you sit there now and say "dang, I was loved.  Look at my family, they miss me and they love me."

Today we said our final good byes.  We put the last pieces of you up in a cupboard.  This is what prompted me to write this.  I want you to know you are never in a cupboard for us.  I will never forget you.  I will never have another you.  Thank you!

Thank you Bear!  Thank you for taking such good care of my babies!  Thank you for taking such good care of my family.  Thank you for taking such good care of me!  I love you!  I love you! I love you!  Oh how much I love you!  I am going to say good bye to you.  But I am not ever never ever going to forget you.  Thank you!

You left this world as you started it, licking and loving.  I hope you heard me as you left.  I hope you knew.  I watched the life leave you.  I cried, I loved, I recited over and over and over again as you left this world.  "I love you!  I love you!  I love you!"  I am putting away the pieces of you but I am not putting away you.  I love you!  I love you!  I love you!

So, I say good bye my sweet Bear.  Good bye and good dog sweet boy.  I have no doubt that is what you heard on the other side as you left us.  Take care of Louis and Grace.

Oh how I want you back...

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